a pointless dream in six parts.

(1) I meet a crazy lesbian; she takes me to her room (not in a sexy way) and there are pictures of kati all over, like this girl is totally in love with kati. And I say, "you know, kati's not gay. she just shaved her head that time." The crazy lesbian goes crazy. A professor has to sedate her. I'm like, "fuckin' crazy lesbians!"

(2) Hogwarts offers a cooking class! It's like Potions-Making but with baking.

(3) Jayne from Firefly is conflicted about wanting to kill his mother. He has a dream where he takes her out to the road to ostensibly push her out in front of traffic, but at the last moment he restrains her from walking out into the road and there's a tussle; and I think they both get killed. I mention the dream but Jayne doesn't want to talk about it.

(4) Doqz is on a cruise ship, but he's been at his table for hours and no server will wait on him!

(5) The part of Charles Darwin is being played by John Cusack. He's sitting in a little metal machine, ostensibly studying oceanlife. I think he's bobbing in the ocean.

(6) Marauders (X-men: Sabretooth, Malice, Scalphunter, etc.) standing around in a parking lot, waiting impatiently for some attack or another to go down, idly discuss whether or not they would've made more money going on an hourly-pay basis rather than salary.

*

I wore a bridesmaid dress all day yesterday for the wedding of my best friend from grades 6-12, known hereabouts as White, although her surname is now Dunlap. Today she speeds toward a Caribbean cruise, where she will, presumably, be waited upon.

so yesterday morning I had to go to a Mary Kay party (MK, yo! *signs*) and apply several layers of make-up. The Mary Kay lady and I had many conversations along the lines of

MK: You know, you have deep hollows under your eyes.
A: Yeah, it's part of my thing.
MK: Well, gold shadow around the eye will fix that right up!

and, you know, it did! and I didn't look like me at all. what is alestar without deep hollows under her eyes? yes: the hysterical teenage daughter on a bad sitcom. but everyone kept telling me how pretty I was.

luckily, the gold powder faded quickly and I was back to my old spleeny self, but in a pear-green (otherwise known as toothpaste-green) dress with my hair pinned up in green ribbon. as promised, pictures will be made available for your callous mockery. watch this space.

it was a small white country church in the foothills made of wood planks and stained glass, a century and half old, with a cemetary out front. White and Chad were married by White's father, a truckdriver-turned-minister with a bushy white beard who calls me "kiddo". and despite the fuss and rigamarole, I did enjoy the ritual of it, the walking between the pews with white flowers, everything highly ceremonial, old creaking marriage rite with heavy draped fabric and candles. and the ceremony that Al (White's father) performed was touching, made more touching by his gruff old voice.

and perhaps I did cry. quite alot. I always cry at weddings, which is girly but whatever; somber talk of love & god do that to me. two things that Al said do that to me. he said, as part of the ceremy, that the bride and groom had to say back to him, "lord, temper my heart with kindness," and "I will love you faithfully, so help me god."

the depression I've been feeling for the last . . . however long, too long, it isn't just melting away-- but I understand that it comes from loneliness, and I think that loneliness is a function of ego, which is desparate for specific love, for someone or some people to love you more than anyone else. if you could just step back from that and be humble, forget all your anger and hurt and concentrate on your output, then you'd be alright and have all the love you need. --that's the epiphany that I explained so poorly in this entry, about friday night, sitting in dex's kitchen, when I was so sad and so lonely until I just wasn't anymore. Being completely self-sufficient: I meant accepting that I will never recieve enough love to keep me satisfied and then learning to subsist entirely on my own love, my own love for my stuff and my people.

My people, who I will love faithfully, so help me god.

--Al.