wisdom teeth are pushing their way into my mouth from the inside, shoving aside gum and bone, crowding the area in a way that’s been making my head pound without relief for the last week and a half. have also been plagued with bad dreams and inexplicable lethargy. yes, friends, I am dying. but I had a full life, I can’t complain: I witnessed no less than five (5) nsync concerts, eight (8) ancient temples, one (1) birth of godchild, four (4) comic book fanficcer conventions, and sixteen (16) faery rings. have also personally seen two (2) beautiful ladies naked and the movie French Kiss, starring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline, one thousand five (1005) times.

I was standing in an empty room with all the lamps on tonight, staring at the carpet, and I realized for the first time that what I feel is despair. it’s an incredible surprise, really, because I have this underlying joy, right, I enjoy my senses and the feeling of the world around me, and I have so little patience with misanthropes and bemoaners; but in fact the future to me is inescapabley awful. I believe in this vast unfolding story of stars and crackling synapses and I’m so grateful every day for the world and my alive body, and that belief is a mountaintop where I’ll go when my life breaks-- which is okay, I’ve been schooling myself in serenity and solitude for years now-- but it’s never been a possibility that I get to stay here, you know? take a lover, learn italian, raise children, write books. that’s why the future is abstract to me, why all relationships are hypothetical. ultimately there’s nothing but the mountaintop.

but it can’t be helped. s’all good. see first paragraph.

also, re: tonite’s WB-- I would write a letter to tom welling if I could and tell him that I think he’s a fine actor who pulls off nuance very well and who doesn’t get the chance to shine because he (a) is pretty, and (b) stars on a show designed for a teen audience. am now less convinced that Adam Knight is Bruce Wayne; further convinced that Chloe is HOT.

found tonite’s episode of Angel to be excellent for three reasons:

1) US miltary guy: We need all the good men we can get.
Angel: I’m not a man.

2) Sam Lawson, most original and interesting character from buffyverse in years. great concept, fantastic potential. classic 40’s war hero turned quiet vampire, wandering dissatisfied and dismayed for sixty (60) years, with the spin of having half a soul. talk amongst yourselves.

3) better insight into spike/angelus dynamic-- angelus is the boss, spike is the cheerful dopey sidekick-- so different from what they became, what they are now.

however, am COMPLETELY TERRIFIED by preview for next week’s episode, wherein Angel is transformed by sorcery into a muppet.

lastly, am reading a great deal of Batman slash-- including such unwholesome pairings as Bruce/Dick, Bruce/Jason, and Dick/Tim-- and I expect this to have an effect on my interactions with people for a moment or two, because Batman is a complete lunatic, and I can get behind that.

--e.