sunday: going places daily

doqz & al have never seen finding nemo, so they watch it, which leads to many conversations unintelligible to normal healthy adults, along the lines of:

"Elmo."

"Chico."

"Fabio."

"Burning!"

"Are you my conscience!"

"ahahahaha! suspenders."

V arrives to visit lise. am surprised at V’s youth, though should have known. confess to being a big fan of V’s harry potter fic, though am not specific with her because am lame and can never instigate prolonged conversation. by the time movie is over, pebblin has an hour before she has to leave for airport, gets everyone to go for sushi. am amenable. V & lise come too.

order tuna sushi & squid sushi & clear soup. squid is tolerable, tuna is not, clear soup is zesty combination of salty and nasty. pebblin engages V in bold banter, embarrasses lise. throw my wet-nap at doqz, who throws it back, embarrasses lise. tell mel & gerg & doqz story about coming out to White at the end of high school. is first anecdote successfully told in toronto! telling stories is favorite thing. can you tell? eat doqz’s carrots.

long hug with pebblin. go with her & gerg to airport. more hugs. pebbllliiinnn. mebblin.

gerg talks about travelling the country(es) and how if you want to do it you just have to do it and cut out all that paralysis and preparation bullshit. talk about religion & society in the south. cannot answer when asked by gerg where would live if could live anywhere. think about beaches and then cities, then mountains, but love too many places. gerg would live in california. al could live in california, and walk around on the beach and spend long contemplative radio hours in the car and have lunches with the california crew, but not forever. east side, holmes.

back at the apartment, crave cheeseburger. sit on mel’s bed and listen to lise & V talk about the rps/hp fandom community. time passes, do not bother to walk down to macdonald’s on the corner. V leaves. do not bother to go down to macdonald’s on the corner until peeps are leaving for dinner at cajun restaurant, Big Daddy’s. am kindly accompanied by lise, who must lead the way to restaurant later. have money shortage. buy cheeseburger, fries, and hot chocolate anyway. is best cheeseburger and fries ever. hot chocolate is chalky but okay. lise is sad, or just quiet or ill.

sing in the subway, feel peaceful. get on train, lise says she could be happy is she had money. ask what she would do if she had lots of money. she says shop. angry. sounds like something that no one with any idea of the world would actually say.

literary technique, devised incongruity-- statements or actions contrary to known characteristics of person or persons, used to draw attention to disorientation or suffering or state of flux. feel that from her. do not know how to ask the right questions. am ashamed, angry. drop it.

lise talks about television show, Dead Like Me, but does not mention that it stars mandy patinkin, who is beloved. describes show as . . cynical cinema chic? says al would not like it. does not matter, as al does not get showtime.

go above ground, start singing again. downtown toronto, lights everywhere, people, big curving white-stone constructs, sidewalks. am happy, cannot help it. the winter city.

find Big Daddy’s, find peeps. order coffee. talk to JB about horses and visits and stupid skool. dex asks out of nowhere if have ever been to savannah, georgia, after have been telling people for last month about vague inexplicable longing to visit savannah, georgia. explain to dex. also, keep hugging dex, who looks increasingly confused. cannot help it! blame dex for the peeps-city-warmth-food joy, aka "the toronto happie".

tell with mel a story about a cow with metal jaws and the squirrel who loved her. have more coffee. listen to people talk around me. sober from blissful to contemplative. think about peeps and al and lise and the world. pull away from the group. watch dex and JB tease on the subway going home.

sleep across from doqz on the couch in the living room. when rossi switches off the light, can't make out much in the darkness except window. stare at the thin white curtains, behind them, all that city glow and grey-orange sky. can hear breathing and sometimes cars. lie awake for a long time. am unafraid, have no plans, am going places daily.