If you've only been posting to a mailing list for a few weeks, and there are those who have been posting much longer-- and you take upon yourself to welcome new-comers, then I hate you. Who the hell do you think you are? Some people are meant to be lurkers. You have nothing to say. Nobody likes you. Go away.

If you use "lol" more than twice in any e-mail, and it's not a parody, then I hate you.

If you use the word "awake" or "awaken" or "arose" in your fiction, and it's not a parody, then I hate you. This includes myself, but I'm working on my redemption. Are you?

If you think Shania Twain is a model of modern womanhood, I hate you. This also applies, to a lesser degree, to Meredith Brooks.

If you won't kiss a wo/man after s/he has given you head, then I hate you.

If you're a heterosexual male and you think it's okay for your girlfriend to sleep with other women, but not other men, then I hate you. If you're a woman and you feel this way, I hate you more.

If you are Metallica, I hate you. Capitalistic fucking bastards. (this does not apply to Lance Bass, who is misguided but young. and gay.)

If you get so caught up in your "funny question" that you don't listen to my answer, then I hate you.

If you refuse to go through a door that I already have opened, because, "ladies first!", then I fucking hate you.

If you have peanut butter and jelly, I hate you. because I don't have peanut butter and jelly. And my arm hurts.

If you think women have special magical woman powers, then I hate you.

If you spend thousands of dollars on jewelry, and you aren't a jewelry vendor or Justin Timberlake, then I hate you. Do you have any idea how many people in this country can't afford to go to college?

If you've ever publically praised your own writing, then I'm sorry, but I hate you. I'm from the South. That's just how it works here.

If you think watching a bunch of Kung-Fu movies makes you a cosmopolitan, then I hate you. This also applies to anime.

If you hate Knoxville, and have openly stated such, then I hate you. I _am_ Knoxville.

If you hate clowns, then I hate you. While I am not clowns, hating clowns is disgustingly trendy. I can't stand people who define their tastes on their own stereotype. This does not, of course, apply to people who went to a circus when they were younger and a clown killed their dad.

If you hate babies, then I hate you. This is also grossly trendy.

If you automatically reject anything pop culture, then I hate you. You're still pandering to a mentality. Get over yourself.

If you reject the possibility that some fictional character might be gay because he's sooo hot and it would be such a shame, then I hate you.

If you're discourteous, I hate you.

If you question my sexuality because I like to read about boys doing sexy things with other boys, I hate you. I don't owe you shit, hombre.

If you've ever told me that I'll feel differently when I get older, then I hate you. If you've ever told me I feel the way I do because I'm young, then I hate you.

If you shorten "how are you" to "how r u" in an instant message window, then I hate you, mellowly. I just kind of think you're dumb.

If you drink heavily while there are children present, or while there is the potential for children to be present, then I hate you.

If you think I have identity issues because I wasn't touched by the Vagina Monologues, then I hate you.

If you don't like to get dirty, I hate you.

If you think Grease was a touching love story, then I hate you. It so isn't. It's about a woman who likes to wear sweaters and read books giving up her struggle for independence and saying, "oh, well. I need a man to love. I should show some cleavage and start smoking." This also applies to Grease II.

If you write stories about pre-existing characters and don't bother with accurate characterization, then I hate you. Especially if you're new to the particular fandom.

If you write fantasy stories where the men are warriors and the women are sorcereresses, I hate you. If-- in these same stories-- the only women who kick ass are also sexual predators, then I hate you. This, uh. does not apply to any books by Lloyd Alexander, because I was very little when I read them and have already formed my adoring attachment. It does apply to Elfquest.

If you don't consider vagabond a viable career path, I hate you. You're no fun.

If you're a big mean dog and you don't respect my authoritah, I hate you.

If you refuse to cater to my desire to address my own fruit cobbler as "pie", then I hate you.

If you use "Mexican" as an ethnic slur, I hate you.

If you're my right arm, I hate you. But I don't want you to go away or anything. Just, there's this feeling.

.

I can't think of anyone else at the moment. I probably will, later. catharsis, woo!

--Alestar
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"Make the lizards play guitar; I don't like my mood anymore."