So, Dust figured it out:

Justin = incredibly cute but slightly self-obsessed one with the curly blond hair = Aisling.

Chris = uniquely adorable one with occasional dreadlocks = Devon.

Joey = the slightly stocky, slightly paternal one with the facial hair = Dust.

Lance= ... = Jeff.

JC = skinny, slightly shady one with the roguish look in his eyes = me.

Justin: "I'm all about the kool-aid."

Chris: "The worst feeling in the world is when you stick your hand in a bowl of jelly, and you don't wash it off. Now that's a bad feeling. It gets all sticky and crusty."

Joey: "This is how you make a video. You put on shoes."

Lance: "I fell in love 51 times."

JC: "When I see myself naked in the mirror, I get so freaked out that I do a little dance."

That's all tonight, gentlemen. Thank you, gentlemen, good night.

--shazaaam.
***
I picture JC's mind as this freaky kind of anime swamp with lime green toxic bubbles popping out of the water and gnarled-looking pink trees coated in black oil under an orange sky and shit. I'm not going anywhere near that place.