10:25 - wake up thinking about the pick-pocket that I met in Rome, who was wearing a The Cure t-shirt. was up late last night, more nsync dreams, something to do with cowboys.

10:45 - get out of bed, shower.

11:55 - follow dad in my car to Tom's Exxon, give him a ride back. his brakes are screwy, he listens to my brakes to see if they're screwy. they are.

12:05 - check the mail. a letter and a package from Lise, am filled with happiness and excitement. can't wait 'til dad leaves for Newark tomorrow so I can listen to the cds. realize that I haven't eaten anything, decide to begin my fast today.

12:55 - leave for Wal-Mart. am taking Spike in for an oil change, and developing a roll of film. take my notebook.

1:25 - drop off film for one-hour developing. wander around store, waiting. go through the toy section, look at nsync dolls. laugh. also see the nsync backstage pass game, remember my comments on that matter to Pebblin, laugh more, realize that I want the game, drop the box in disgust. because I'm feeling the general cleansing attitude of fasting, buy many silly trendy cleansing products-- hair putty, pore toner, herbal lip balm. look for nsync lip gloss, don't find it, thankfully. find Lise a card. find bottled water, because you're supposed to drink lots of water when you're fasting.

1:45 - pay for everything. am in line with old women, go through US Weekly magazine for nsync sitings, find nothing, thankfully. total is seventeen dollars.

1:20 - find myself in the food court, realize that I'm hungry. or, that I want to eat. am feeling self-punishing and turned on. write part of a letter to Lise. drink lots of bottled water. discover that drinking bottled water makes you feel differently than if you were drinking, say, gatorade or lemonade or coke. realize that my brain is releasing endorphins in prepared compensation for the loss of energy due to not eating, which explains the turned on feeling. elderly couple orders cinnamons rolls, and I think, god.

2:30 - on my way to pick up the developed film, someone grabs my arm. turn around to see, think, "that's not my aunt Mary." is Brad Fletcher's mother, she tells me to go find Brad in the sporting goods section and tell him that she's going to the grocery section. agree.

2:33 - find Brad Fletcher in the sporting goods section. is looking for a flashlight, for his hiking excursion in the Appalachian Mountains. hug. chat.

2:50 - Brad Keaton wanders by. is handsome and well-dressed. wonder again about his sexual orientation. hug him. chat.

3:00 - excuse myself to go pick up my film. pick up film. pictures of mountains-- beautiful mountains!-- and cute pictures of Dorina brandishing my sword.

3:15 - return to the Brads. refuse to show the Dorina pictures to them, they tease me. they ask me why I have pictures of the mountains and I tell them, I took them during my pilgrimage-- told them that because I was thinking about the institution of eating stuff, and forgot that I took them while I was in the mountains with KJ. they laugh and say, pilgrimages, fasting, you try everything. I say, yeah.

3:30 - Brad Keaton excuses himself. shake his hand. hug Brad Fletcher again, excuse myself to go check on Spike.

3:39 - check on Spike. is ready. leave. take long way home. listen to the third song on the tape Dust made me several times. is rock-on, am feeling totally awesome.

3:55 - arrive home. check e-mail, nothing interesting. is okay. chat with Dorina, who is tired. play with Microsoft Frontpage, since I'm supposed to be utilizing my freetime finally getting a webspace up. can't concentrate. make several abortive trips to the refrigerator. check Puppies In a Box for updates, find new guerilla story, "too goddamn much", read it. kicks ass, like all of Helen's work.

5:00 - wash dishes. develop slight peripheral headache. blame it on the crazy endorphins, which are still going strong.

5:30 - mom brushes through the house, gathers the kids up, rushes off to soccer practice. finish dishes, return to computer. check e-mail, still nothing, still okay. realize that as long I'm reading, I'm not hungry, but dare not attempt writing.

5:55 - go and stand in front of the stove. realize, I am spirit, having a physical experience. endorphins trail off.

6:19 - am really, really hungry. still turned on, but in a horrified way.

7:07 - stove buzzer goes off. dad is making lasagna. search for more nsync fiction. decide to take a risk and spent some time at Jawamonkey's archive, This Big Mix. am reading "alternate and deviant". listening to Seinfeld in the background-- it's the episode with the Junior Mints quote-- "it's chocolate, it's mint. It's delicious. It's very refreshing." which I use whenever I can.

7:15 - damn. can't concentrate on fiction. not a fasting thing. want to lay on the floor and writhe, but that is also not a fasting thing. am tired. realize, am not really hungry. just, I want to put something _into_ my body. which also might explain the turned on feeling, still in effect. hey, look. inhibitions lowering.

7:30 - mom returns from soccer practice. dinner commences. want to eat to alleviate boredom. brush of shirt against stomach triggers more endorphins. post journal entry, flee computer. will return. won't eat.

love.

Alestar
***
What I want is a glass of gin. Or maybe a bottle. And I'll drink it, and I'll pass out, and I'll dream of something fucked up, like having sex with male friends in churches while screaming because that was never what I wanted.